Two Extremely Stupid Superstitions for Baseball Greatness
The Legend of Green Jello
13 Years ago, last week, that Tuesday, a legend unfolded. At 14 years old Charlie "Steady Hands" McGee was the slowest player in his entire league. Perhaps in any league ever. Despite his incredible swing Charlie is the only player ever to ground into a double play off the wall. But not on this fateful day.
On this fateful day Charlie ran out of his usual mid game snack, Cool Ranch Doritos. In desperation he stole his little brother’s snack, Green Jello. In his next at bat Charlie drew a walk.
On first base Charlie received the sign from his coach. Hit and run. A risky play but Charlie was up for the challenge. Swinging at the pitch, the team’s 3rd basemen missed and left Charlie out to dry. Except, Charlie shockingly beat the throw.
The dugout stood in complete shock for 22 seconds…
Until they erupted in cheers.
The team and Charlie didn’t know how to explain the unimaginable. The only thing that was different that day was…The Green Jello.
The Completely True Science
Curious about this sudden boost, the team's "scientist" (the second baseman) conducted experiments. He concluded that the unique combination in Green Jello of sugar for energy, the wobbly consistency for vibes, and the bright green color (which everyone knows is the fastest color) somehow unlocked the secret to super speed.
The team’s scientist also concluded that Red Jello will never work. But he’s a Yankees fan, so maybe he’s biased.
Mustaches for all
Eight Years ago, there was Little League team called the Cyclones who had a secret weapon.
It was a 12-year-old boy named Max “Mighty Whiskers” Donovan, who had the unique distinction of being the first in his league to grow a hint of facial hair. His mustache, though modest, became the talk of the league. On the field, opponents would do double-takes, whispering among themselves about the big kid with the mustache.
In truth, Max wasn’t even good at baseball. He much preferred Minecraft. But it didn’t matter, every pitcher was too afraid to throw him a strike. That spring over 13 games Max drew a record 53 walks in a row. On the season Max went 1 for 9 with 77 walks.
Halfway through the season the team was in 4th place and at risk of missing the playoffs. Feeling the pressure, the team held an important player’s only meeting by the vending machines. Several players took turns trying to motivate each other but then they felt the severity of the challenge ahead. The team fell silent for a long minute.
In the moment of silence, Left Fielder Jake Robbins said “If only we all had mustaches like Max. Then we’d never lose.”
It was a lightbulb moment. The team’s shortstop and second basemen, Ben "Dugout Dancer" Scott and Dennis "Glove Goblin" Nguyen dressed up as Mario and Luigi last Halloween. Anyone can buy a fake mustache they thought!
So, it was settled the whole team would buy fake mustaches. How could they ever lose again? That is until the next game when Dennis showed up with a beard because he thought it looked cooler.
The team was already unsure the strategy would work, isn’t a beard too much? In the 2nd inning the other team heard Dennis complaining that his beard hurt and then everyone knew it was fake when he called his Mom, “Mommy”. The rest of the Cyclones managed to keep their secret, but Dennis had blown his cover. He went on to strike out 26 times in a row.
Despite Dennis’ struggles the team went on to win their next 7 games in a row to take the championship. In recent years many MLB players have adopted facial hair knowing the intimidation it brings.
That was 8 years ago, rumor has it, Dennis still wears that beard.
References
- OpenAI’s DALL-E “green jello cures all” Generated April 14th, 2024]
- OpenAI's DALL-E. "mustache child" Generated [April 14th, 2024].